Friday, April 24, 2009

and he said, "NEVER FORGET!" ( Happy 43rd Birthday Stephen )

Dear God,

It's been 10 yrs since Stephen left us. It's amazing how things have changed, yet stayed the same. When will we have the answers we seek? I know, I know in your own time, you will deal with this situation. Hey just because I have no knowledge of it, doesn't mean you haven't dealt with it. I don't know but for some reason, I still believe that you won't reveal these things to us, until all of us are ready to handle it. So let me again pray for my family, that we would all let him go. That we would all realize that holding on to what happened will not bring him back. Help us to enjoy the memories and live a life, not only pleasing to you but one that my brother could be proud of. God, I just don't think Stephen would want us to still be hanging our heads over this after 10 years.


Repost of March 2008.

Like clockwork, he invades my space to remind me this is his time. His time to be remembered, celebrated and for some mourned. I am no longer a mourner. I refuse to let the experience be anything more than a life showing us that nothing is forever. Through the loss of him, I learned forgiveness, understanding, and how to be strong when nobody else will.

I am speaking of the life and death of my brother Stephen A. Ivory. He started talking to me probably Thursday. He whispered,"Do you know what day it is?" I thought about it and said," yes I know what day it is, why?" He said, "never forget!". And with that the countdown began. In the back of my mind, behind everything else I've got going on right now, I have began the task of counting down the days.

His reminder, not so much for me, but for me to remember to take it easy on the rest of the family. My mother will be in a strange place these next couple of days, as will my sister and my sister in law and my niece. Some of us will be able to celebrate him, others will cry tears that they shoved back in from last years time of remembrance, or his birthday a few months back. This year I will focus my energy on praying for a resolution to the mystery of his death.

Back in March, I did a blog about the reopening of his cold case.

And so it begins...

The picture above was handed to my mother today as the detective over the cold cases in Dayton, Ohio sat down on our couch. You see the guy in the picture is my brother Stephen. 8 yrs ago he was shot 17 times and his case has yet to be solved. The picture was at the bottom of a mug shot profile from exactly 3 months to the day of his killing. Every year about this time, the feelings well up and the memories flood and the house becomes solemn. See next month in April he would have been turning 42. April is a big birthday month in our family. My mother's birthday is the 1st, then comes Solomon ( nephew ) on the 3rd, then Stephen's on the 22nd, his daughter Ericka turns 16 this year on the 23rd and on the 28 my sister in -law ( Stephen's wife ) turns 39. Today a lot of info that my mother never knew came out. There were things that we tried to keep hid from her...that today she found out about. My mother developed a seizure disorder a few months after his death and well we kind of decided it was best not to add to her sorrow with things that we heard on the street or however in regards to my brothers death. She has carried hatred in her heart for years regarding his murder. Not to say I wouldn't feel the same way but when my lesson came to let go of the anger and hatred I did...I let it go. I went on a tangent and stirred up trouble in a drunken rage for nearly 2 yrs after my brother died...and almost died because of my anger. I then learned to let go and let God. A few months back my mother was upset because they told her that his case couldn't be opened for cold case unless recommended to that department...well I guess somebody decided it was time for a recommendation because here we are with an open case and lots of info and hopes of one day my mother finding some peace and letting go.

Here is what I can tell you...

July 14th , 1999 I received an urgent message from my mother to come home as quickly as I possibly could. She was crying in the phone and everything in me told me someone was dead. As I pulled up to the house, a detective was coming out of our home and you could hear my mother screaming and hollering from inside the house. I became very upset at the detective because when I asked him what was wrong, this mothafucka told me to just go in the house. So when I step in the house my mother tells me that 2 blocks away my brother was killed working on a job site. My brother was into construction. The detective said that someone had come in and from what it appeared had happened...shot at him from the door all the way to the back door which was bolted and unable to be opened and shot him 17 times. Unloaded on him. There was another person there (who shall remain nameless )but this person was then told that if he said anything he would be found and his family too would suffer a loss. The case was investigated. There were many leads. There were even names of the alleged killer but at the end of the day...the case went cold.

As some of you know my mom had her first seizure in about 3 years 2 days ago. I just so happened to be up on one of my nightly bathroom runs when I heard her making the noises she makes when going into a seizure. She has been diagnosed with grandmal seizures but this one didn't go like they normally would. Anyway..I called out to her and she answered me but immediately had another one. A few moments later she was fine. I still made her call her Dr. when business hours began and off to the ER we went. End result they said her medicine levels were off and needed to be changed. I call it Divine intervention but you can call it whatever you want. I believe that everything happens for a reason...I believe that my mother was being prepared to handle this day. I know from here on out its going to be a bumpy ride once again for my family. I just ask that if you can..pray for us..send up some positive energy on our behalf..I would much appreciate it. I am doing fine...but its not me that concerns me..its my moms. However as this stuff unfolds...I say that I will be holding it together as I am now. Right now I'm in between concern for my mother and joy that finally this thing may just be over. Whatever... just pray for my family will you?

**The case as of yet is still unsolved, I think Monday I will call and see if they are making progress. I have to. He said never forget and I promised that I won't.

Monday, August 4, 2008

This thing called Trust.

Dear God,

When does it end? Don't smile at me and act like you don't know that I'm talking about learning to trust you. Just when you think you have something mastered here you come to show me I don't know shit. This Trust thing, I wonder sometimes will I ever master it. I mean here I am learning to trust you with my own life and now I have a new life coming in and I have to add her in and learn to trust you with her as well. You're messing me up God. Stop throwing me off my square! I know, I have no right to make demands of you, ( as if you are taking them into account anyway ) but God..come on a sista out.


I stepped out and watched my foot sink into the muddy water.
Below the surface my foot, totally submerged.
To turn and run away to hide, I was on the verge.
But there you stood, with your arms out wide
your hands open to me and a smile on your face.
Urging me to move forward and continue in this race.
I've been sidetracked for too long and I need to move along.
Consumed by my guilt and held back by my wrongs.
Trust you, the same words you always say to me
Just as soon as I complete one journey another one begins
I guess this thing called trust will never ever end.

© His_Baby_Mama 2008

Sunday, June 15, 2008

It still hurts...

The picture above is of Daddy and me, Easter 1978.

He said he was tired and it was time for him to go, and with that he started his transition from here to there and never looked back. I was never mad at him for leaving just not in a hurry to see him go. I still had things I to do that he was supposed to be apart of. Like walking me down the isle, holding my babies in his lap, and still allowing his grown baby girl to climb up in his lap and act like a baby. Those days are over and there is nothing I can do to bring them back, beyond pulling out the pictures and heading down memory lane. It's been hard going through this pregnancy without being able to call my daddy and give him the good news about what is going on and sharing my ultrasound pics, you know the NORMAL way. However I know in spirit he has been there with me all along.

Yesterday I saw my oldest brother for the first time in a long time. He is the spitting image of daddy too. They say that he and I are the only kids my daddy really created. It was funny looking into the face of my father but hearing the voice of my brother. I never knew that my daddy had a talk with the boys ( 5 of them ) in regards to who was to do what after he died. Yesterday my brother decided to share some of that conversation with me. He told me who Daddy really left in charge and how he told all of them to look after his baby girl. Each in their own way has done just that. Never allowed to do it while he was alive, he demanded it in his death. I really miss my daddy, but I'm glad to have these knucklehead niggas, I call my brothers to look after me.

My brother also wanted to talk about the situation between my sperm donor and me. Has he surfaced yet? When he does, tell him I wanna have a talk with him. Baby girl don't be too hard on him, we all get stupid when a woman tells us she is pregnant. That nigga just scared, he's gonna be a good daddy to my niece don't worry about it. If he were to act right would you marry him? I did a lot of cussing through this conversation. I told my brother how I don't have no respect for my sperm donor because of the way things have went down. No respect at all. I don't know about every other girl but I measure the actions of a man by what my daddy did. This fool has yet to measure up. My daddy was a rollin' stone, but he never denied his children and he was always apart of their lives, unless you pushed him away, then he gave you your space to act a fool till he had enough.

My mother has been telling me these stories about my daddy through out my pregnancy. Her latest involved how they used to argue about me. My daddy just knew it was a good thing for me to sleep on his chest. My momma told him, hell no you need to put her in her crib and with that the argument was on. LOL that's funny to me because my daddy wasn't the arguing type, he said what he said and he meant it. However my momma is the same way so I guess it probably wasn't so funny. She talked about how spoiled he had me, that with just one tear I could get anything out of that man to make me happy again. Yep, my daddy hated to see me cry, I know that for a fact because when he pissed me off, I would do it on purpose. She talked about how proud he was to have a baby on the way and how he would get on her nerves about talking care of herself while she was pregnant. Always wanted is what she says, and in my 31 yrs of life with him on this earth, I never felt unloved or unwanted by the greatest man in the world.

I don't know if I ever told you guys how I prayed after his death to be the one to bring the first new life into this world. Yep daddy had been gone about a month and I got to thinking about how with each passing of life there is a new life brought into the family and I asked God to let me be the one to bring that new life in. I guess you could say I got what I prayed for huh? I'm excited to see what she looks like. Will she look like me? in turn looking like my daddy? Will she be anything like him? I've had the craving for lemons the entire pregnancy, which I hate but my daddy loved, is she his reincarnation? Yeah I know I think too much sometimes but hey a girl can dream right? Yep I can.

Daddy I love you ,

your favorite girl Alicia

Friday, June 13, 2008

This Bitter Pill

Dear God,

It has taken me some time to accept, that there is nothing I can do about this situation. I need only forgive myself and be the best mother I can possibly be to my daughter. 7 months in and her daddy, still has not considered her important enough to do anything more than point fingers. I'm done pointing fingers back. No longer will I try to force the issue of him being responsible. No one forced me to sleep with this asshole, in fact my mother tried to get my stubborn ass not to even travel the 4 hours it took to go visit him and come back pregnant in the first place.*sigh* Why didn't you tell me you were using my mother as a messenger? I possibly would have listened. Oh well, what is done is done, and there is nothing more for me to do, but swallow this bitter pill and keep making preparations for the arrival of the baby. It's not like I'm in that bad of a shape. You are always true to your word. You said if I would only believe you would do the rest. Thanks by the way, for all your love and support that you have sent me straight from heaven. Thanks for the wonderful friends and family as well, that I neglected to appreciate because they didn't always do things like I wanted them done. It is hard to look at yourself in the mirror and accept what is shining back at you. It really is true that in every situation, you have an opportunity to grow and be a better human being. Thanks for continuing to help me grow up and really the grown ass woman,that every day, I hold my head up high and fake it till I make it to be.

Thanks again God you are truly awesome.
Love, A Mad Black Baby Mama

This Bitter Pill ( the poem )

Something like a horse pill
this thing is caught in my throat
in an attempt to swallow it
I damn near choked
accepting that what I have done
on no one else I can blame
nobody told me to lay down and get up pregnant by this lame
I do not wish to bash him in my poem today
but every time I try to move forward his face gets in my way
I am angry with myself
for being such a fool
for not believing what I was shown
when I knew that I was right
how many times I beat myself up as I cry in my pillow at night
there are consequences to every action
and these in fact are mine
for the last couple days
I've had to examine myself
and try not to lose my mind
It is not easy taking responsibility
for the actions that left me with your seed
I am excited for the arrival of her
and yet I'm filled with regret
to think that she will be fatherless
is the hardest pill to swallow yet
people say don't worry or stress yourself out
but if you have not had this experience
I wish you would just shut your mouth
for at some point in pregnancy
any woman going through this has done the same
cried over the consequences of sleeping with a lame

© His_Baby_Mama 2008

Thursday, June 5, 2008

This Pregnancy Thing

Dear God,

When I asked for this, I had no idea what exactly it was I was asking for. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but at that time I guess I never really weighted the situation for what it is. How could I? I had never been here before, I mean the miscarriages never gave me what I'm getting now. The feeling of life inside me. Wow
There are no way for you to understand this feeling if you have not been here yourself.I think I started feeling funny maybe 3wks into conception. I knew that there was something terribly wrong, which has turned into something terribly right. It is the most beautiful experience I have ever had the pleasure of having. Yet it also brought me misery. Kind of a catch 22 type situation. Even still in my miserable state, I can not help but feel immensely happy.Sometimes I wonder is my experience that much more to me because I have experienced miscarriage before and now I'm just awe struck with this miracle happening inside of me. Either way it is truly a blessing to be going where I am going, and to know that there is no turning back from this, life is changing and I am going along willing for this ride is incredible. Ok now I think I'm just babbling. I am excited. The baby's arrival is getting closer and closer, and with every movement I am able to see as well as feel, my excitement grows all the more. So excuse me while I express my love, my happiness, my gratitude, my wide eyed moment of joy, in a way that most will not understand but I'm sure there are some who truly do know what I mean when I say there is something about this pregnancy thing.

This Pregnancy Thing ( the poem )
there is something to be said for this pregnancy thing

the ups and downs it tends to bring

my fat ankles and wobbly walking

silly cravings and off the hook mood swings

there is DEFINITELY something to be said for this pregnancy thing

the journey thus far has been so interesting

I can only imagine what the next 3 months will bring

more than reading books and rubbing my belly while I sing

AAAAAH yes there IS something to be said for this pregnancy thing

but if you have not experienced it then there is no understanding

the SOMETHING behind this pregnancy thing

© His_Baby_Mama 2008