Friday, June 13, 2008

This Bitter Pill

Dear God,

It has taken me some time to accept, that there is nothing I can do about this situation. I need only forgive myself and be the best mother I can possibly be to my daughter. 7 months in and her daddy, still has not considered her important enough to do anything more than point fingers. I'm done pointing fingers back. No longer will I try to force the issue of him being responsible. No one forced me to sleep with this asshole, in fact my mother tried to get my stubborn ass not to even travel the 4 hours it took to go visit him and come back pregnant in the first place.*sigh* Why didn't you tell me you were using my mother as a messenger? I possibly would have listened. Oh well, what is done is done, and there is nothing more for me to do, but swallow this bitter pill and keep making preparations for the arrival of the baby. It's not like I'm in that bad of a shape. You are always true to your word. You said if I would only believe you would do the rest. Thanks by the way, for all your love and support that you have sent me straight from heaven. Thanks for the wonderful friends and family as well, that I neglected to appreciate because they didn't always do things like I wanted them done. It is hard to look at yourself in the mirror and accept what is shining back at you. It really is true that in every situation, you have an opportunity to grow and be a better human being. Thanks for continuing to help me grow up and really the grown ass woman,that every day, I hold my head up high and fake it till I make it to be.

Thanks again God you are truly awesome.
Love, A Mad Black Baby Mama

This Bitter Pill ( the poem )

Something like a horse pill
this thing is caught in my throat
in an attempt to swallow it
I damn near choked
accepting that what I have done
on no one else I can blame
nobody told me to lay down and get up pregnant by this lame
I do not wish to bash him in my poem today
but every time I try to move forward his face gets in my way
I am angry with myself
for being such a fool
for not believing what I was shown
when I knew that I was right
how many times I beat myself up as I cry in my pillow at night
there are consequences to every action
and these in fact are mine
for the last couple days
I've had to examine myself
and try not to lose my mind
It is not easy taking responsibility
for the actions that left me with your seed
I am excited for the arrival of her
and yet I'm filled with regret
to think that she will be fatherless
is the hardest pill to swallow yet
people say don't worry or stress yourself out
but if you have not had this experience
I wish you would just shut your mouth
for at some point in pregnancy
any woman going through this has done the same
cried over the consequences of sleeping with a lame

© His_Baby_Mama 2008

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