Sunday, June 15, 2008

It still hurts...

The picture above is of Daddy and me, Easter 1978.

He said he was tired and it was time for him to go, and with that he started his transition from here to there and never looked back. I was never mad at him for leaving just not in a hurry to see him go. I still had things I to do that he was supposed to be apart of. Like walking me down the isle, holding my babies in his lap, and still allowing his grown baby girl to climb up in his lap and act like a baby. Those days are over and there is nothing I can do to bring them back, beyond pulling out the pictures and heading down memory lane. It's been hard going through this pregnancy without being able to call my daddy and give him the good news about what is going on and sharing my ultrasound pics, you know the NORMAL way. However I know in spirit he has been there with me all along.

Yesterday I saw my oldest brother for the first time in a long time. He is the spitting image of daddy too. They say that he and I are the only kids my daddy really created. It was funny looking into the face of my father but hearing the voice of my brother. I never knew that my daddy had a talk with the boys ( 5 of them ) in regards to who was to do what after he died. Yesterday my brother decided to share some of that conversation with me. He told me who Daddy really left in charge and how he told all of them to look after his baby girl. Each in their own way has done just that. Never allowed to do it while he was alive, he demanded it in his death. I really miss my daddy, but I'm glad to have these knucklehead niggas, I call my brothers to look after me.

My brother also wanted to talk about the situation between my sperm donor and me. Has he surfaced yet? When he does, tell him I wanna have a talk with him. Baby girl don't be too hard on him, we all get stupid when a woman tells us she is pregnant. That nigga just scared, he's gonna be a good daddy to my niece don't worry about it. If he were to act right would you marry him? I did a lot of cussing through this conversation. I told my brother how I don't have no respect for my sperm donor because of the way things have went down. No respect at all. I don't know about every other girl but I measure the actions of a man by what my daddy did. This fool has yet to measure up. My daddy was a rollin' stone, but he never denied his children and he was always apart of their lives, unless you pushed him away, then he gave you your space to act a fool till he had enough.

My mother has been telling me these stories about my daddy through out my pregnancy. Her latest involved how they used to argue about me. My daddy just knew it was a good thing for me to sleep on his chest. My momma told him, hell no you need to put her in her crib and with that the argument was on. LOL that's funny to me because my daddy wasn't the arguing type, he said what he said and he meant it. However my momma is the same way so I guess it probably wasn't so funny. She talked about how spoiled he had me, that with just one tear I could get anything out of that man to make me happy again. Yep, my daddy hated to see me cry, I know that for a fact because when he pissed me off, I would do it on purpose. She talked about how proud he was to have a baby on the way and how he would get on her nerves about talking care of herself while she was pregnant. Always wanted is what she says, and in my 31 yrs of life with him on this earth, I never felt unloved or unwanted by the greatest man in the world.

I don't know if I ever told you guys how I prayed after his death to be the one to bring the first new life into this world. Yep daddy had been gone about a month and I got to thinking about how with each passing of life there is a new life brought into the family and I asked God to let me be the one to bring that new life in. I guess you could say I got what I prayed for huh? I'm excited to see what she looks like. Will she look like me? in turn looking like my daddy? Will she be anything like him? I've had the craving for lemons the entire pregnancy, which I hate but my daddy loved, is she his reincarnation? Yeah I know I think too much sometimes but hey a girl can dream right? Yep I can.

Daddy I love you ,

your favorite girl Alicia

Friday, June 13, 2008

This Bitter Pill

Dear God,

It has taken me some time to accept, that there is nothing I can do about this situation. I need only forgive myself and be the best mother I can possibly be to my daughter. 7 months in and her daddy, still has not considered her important enough to do anything more than point fingers. I'm done pointing fingers back. No longer will I try to force the issue of him being responsible. No one forced me to sleep with this asshole, in fact my mother tried to get my stubborn ass not to even travel the 4 hours it took to go visit him and come back pregnant in the first place.*sigh* Why didn't you tell me you were using my mother as a messenger? I possibly would have listened. Oh well, what is done is done, and there is nothing more for me to do, but swallow this bitter pill and keep making preparations for the arrival of the baby. It's not like I'm in that bad of a shape. You are always true to your word. You said if I would only believe you would do the rest. Thanks by the way, for all your love and support that you have sent me straight from heaven. Thanks for the wonderful friends and family as well, that I neglected to appreciate because they didn't always do things like I wanted them done. It is hard to look at yourself in the mirror and accept what is shining back at you. It really is true that in every situation, you have an opportunity to grow and be a better human being. Thanks for continuing to help me grow up and really the grown ass woman,that every day, I hold my head up high and fake it till I make it to be.

Thanks again God you are truly awesome.
Love, A Mad Black Baby Mama

This Bitter Pill ( the poem )

Something like a horse pill
this thing is caught in my throat
in an attempt to swallow it
I damn near choked
accepting that what I have done
on no one else I can blame
nobody told me to lay down and get up pregnant by this lame
I do not wish to bash him in my poem today
but every time I try to move forward his face gets in my way
I am angry with myself
for being such a fool
for not believing what I was shown
when I knew that I was right
how many times I beat myself up as I cry in my pillow at night
there are consequences to every action
and these in fact are mine
for the last couple days
I've had to examine myself
and try not to lose my mind
It is not easy taking responsibility
for the actions that left me with your seed
I am excited for the arrival of her
and yet I'm filled with regret
to think that she will be fatherless
is the hardest pill to swallow yet
people say don't worry or stress yourself out
but if you have not had this experience
I wish you would just shut your mouth
for at some point in pregnancy
any woman going through this has done the same
cried over the consequences of sleeping with a lame

© His_Baby_Mama 2008

Thursday, June 5, 2008

This Pregnancy Thing

Dear God,

When I asked for this, I had no idea what exactly it was I was asking for. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but at that time I guess I never really weighted the situation for what it is. How could I? I had never been here before, I mean the miscarriages never gave me what I'm getting now. The feeling of life inside me. Wow
There are no way for you to understand this feeling if you have not been here yourself.I think I started feeling funny maybe 3wks into conception. I knew that there was something terribly wrong, which has turned into something terribly right. It is the most beautiful experience I have ever had the pleasure of having. Yet it also brought me misery. Kind of a catch 22 type situation. Even still in my miserable state, I can not help but feel immensely happy.Sometimes I wonder is my experience that much more to me because I have experienced miscarriage before and now I'm just awe struck with this miracle happening inside of me. Either way it is truly a blessing to be going where I am going, and to know that there is no turning back from this, life is changing and I am going along willing for this ride is incredible. Ok now I think I'm just babbling. I am excited. The baby's arrival is getting closer and closer, and with every movement I am able to see as well as feel, my excitement grows all the more. So excuse me while I express my love, my happiness, my gratitude, my wide eyed moment of joy, in a way that most will not understand but I'm sure there are some who truly do know what I mean when I say there is something about this pregnancy thing.

This Pregnancy Thing ( the poem )
there is something to be said for this pregnancy thing

the ups and downs it tends to bring

my fat ankles and wobbly walking

silly cravings and off the hook mood swings

there is DEFINITELY something to be said for this pregnancy thing

the journey thus far has been so interesting

I can only imagine what the next 3 months will bring

more than reading books and rubbing my belly while I sing

AAAAAH yes there IS something to be said for this pregnancy thing

but if you have not experienced it then there is no understanding

the SOMETHING behind this pregnancy thing

© His_Baby_Mama 2008