It still hurts...

The picture above is of Daddy and me, Easter 1978.


He said he was tired and it was time for him to go, and with that he started his transition from here to there and never looked back. I was never mad at him for leaving just not in a hurry to see him go. I still had things I to do that he was supposed to be apart of. Like walking me down the isle, holding my babies in his lap, and still allowing his grown baby girl to climb up in his lap and act like a baby. Those days are over and there is nothing I can do to bring them back, beyond pulling out the pictures and heading down memory lane. It's been hard going through this pregnancy without being able to call my daddy and give him the good news about what is going on and sharing my ultrasound pics, you know the NORMAL way. However I know in spirit he has been there with me all along.

Yesterday I saw my oldest brother for the first time in a long time. He is the spitting image of daddy too. They say that he and I are the only kids my daddy really created. It was funny looking into the face of my father but hearing the voice of my brother. I never knew that my daddy had a talk with the boys ( 5 of them ) in regards to who was to do what after he died. Yesterday my brother decided to share some of that conversation with me. He told me who Daddy really left in charge and how he told all of them to look after his baby girl. Each in their own way has done just that. Never allowed to do it while he was alive, he demanded it in his death. I really miss my daddy, but I'm glad to have these knucklehead niggas, I call my brothers to look after me.

My brother also wanted to talk about the situation between my sperm donor and me. Has he surfaced yet? When he does, tell him I wanna have a talk with him. Baby girl don't be too hard on him, we all get stupid when a woman tells us she is pregnant. That nigga just scared, he's gonna be a good daddy to my niece don't worry about it. If he were to act right would you marry him? I did a lot of cussing through this conversation. I told my brother how I don't have no respect for my sperm donor because of the way things have went down. No respect at all. I don't know about every other girl but I measure the actions of a man by what my daddy did. This fool has yet to measure up. My daddy was a rollin' stone, but he never denied his children and he was always apart of their lives, unless you pushed him away, then he gave you your space to act a fool till he had enough.

My mother has been telling me these stories about my daddy through out my pregnancy. Her latest involved how they used to argue about me. My daddy just knew it was a good thing for me to sleep on his chest. My momma told him, hell no you need to put her in her crib and with that the argument was on. LOL that's funny to me because my daddy wasn't the arguing type, he said what he said and he meant it. However my momma is the same way so I guess it probably wasn't so funny. She talked about how spoiled he had me, that with just one tear I could get anything out of that man to make me happy again. Yep, my daddy hated to see me cry, I know that for a fact because when he pissed me off, I would do it on purpose. She talked about how proud he was to have a baby on the way and how he would get on her nerves about talking care of herself while she was pregnant. Always wanted is what she says, and in my 31 yrs of life with him on this earth, I never felt unloved or unwanted by the greatest man in the world.

I don't know if I ever told you guys how I prayed after his death to be the one to bring the first new life into this world. Yep daddy had been gone about a month and I got to thinking about how with each passing of life there is a new life brought into the family and I asked God to let me be the one to bring that new life in. I guess you could say I got what I prayed for huh? I'm excited to see what she looks like. Will she look like me? in turn looking like my daddy? Will she be anything like him? I've had the craving for lemons the entire pregnancy, which I hate but my daddy loved, is she his reincarnation? Yeah I know I think too much sometimes but hey a girl can dream right? Yep I can.


Daddy I love you ,

your favorite girl Alicia